The Comedy Store

Who Said Rugby Players Weren't Bright?

Check out this selection of funny quotes from some famous rugby players, coaches and commentators. Murray Mexted is a bit of a legend in the land of the All Blacks, and here you’ll see why.

“Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” (Jono Gibbs)

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Rodney So’ialo on University)

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up ingroups of three, then line up in a circle.” (Colin Cooper, Hurricanes head coach)

Chris Masoe on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” (Colin Cooper on Paul Tito)

Kevin Senio, on Night Rugby vs Day Games “It’s basically the same, just darker.”

David Nosafora talking about Troy Flavell “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘David, I don’t know and I don’t care.’

David Holwell when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first.”

“Andy Ellis – the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago”(Murray Mexted)

“Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.” (Ma Nonu)

“He scored that try after only 22 seconds – totally against the run of play.” (Murray Mexted)

“We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored.” (Phil Waugh)

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” (Jerry Collins)

“That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.” (Tony Brown)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Tana Umaga)

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby – but none of them serious.” (Doc Mayhew)

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” (Anton Oliver)

“I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better.” (Murray Mexted)

“I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.” (Ewan McKenzie)

Murray Deaker asked Tana Umaga, “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?” To which he replied, “On what?”

“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.” (Murray Mexted)

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.”
(Murray Mexted)

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said .... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

What's In A Name?


When little Brandon's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But Little Brandon overheard some of his parents' private conversations.

One day, when Brandon and his mother were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" Brandon answered, "and I know what we're gonna name it, too. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

Extracts from letters written by council home tenants:



1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Consciousness is that annoying time between naps

The Three Engineers


Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Frightening statistic

This is a frightening statistic, most probably the most worrying in recent years!

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That’s bloody Scary!......

It means the other 75% are running round with no medication at all!!!

I have been sacked from my job as a Bingo caller on my very first night.

I called “clickity click “ for No.66 which was fine, as was “On its own” for No. 1

But apparently, " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No.69................

Double Crossed

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you've been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Keith and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

While participating in a tour of Kindergarten students through the hospital, a little girl made conversation with an X-ray technician.
"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.
"Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt?"
"No."
"Really? Which bone did you break?"
"My sister's arm."

One morning a little girl was distressed to find her pet cat lying on the floor with its legs in the air.

"I'm afraid Sooty is dead," said her father.

The girl wiped away her tears and asked: "But Daddy, why is Sooty lying with his legs in the air?"

The father thought quickly. "Because that way it's easier for Jesus to come
down, take hold of Sooty's legs and carry him off to heaven."

The little girl was satisfied with the explanation and the father went off
to work. But when he came home in the evening, she ran sobbing to the
door.

"Daddy! Daddy!" she shouted, "Mummy nearly died this morning."

"Why? What happened?" asked the father anxiously.

"Well," said the little girl, "Soon after you left for work, I saw her lying on
the sofa with her legs in the air. She was shouting "Jesus, I'm coming"
and if it hadn't been for the postman holding her down, she would
definitely have gone. Daddy."

SIMPLE TRUTHS:

TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: "In life, no one helps you once you're screwed."

TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends pat her stomach saying "congrats."
But, none of them come and pat the man's groin and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.”

A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman,

Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital , saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in SEX.



A hospital spokesman replied:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."